Friday, June 03, 2005

Ted Turner: A Soldier's Story --
In response to Joe's post, I have prepared the following lampoon.

Ladies and Gentleman: In order to bring you, the reader, a far more entertaining and logically consistent post, please hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" as indicated by the instructions.

(Begin humming.)

The story of Ted Turner's life is that of any soldier's, fraught with selfless sacrifice, unwavering discipline, and acts of great courage in defense of his nation.

Where to start? Let's see...uhh...he went to an all-male college prepatory school. That's sort of like being in the Army.

Oh! He earned the nickname "Captain Outrageous" at college and Captain is a rank in the Army.

What else? Uhh...hmm...he sometimes dresses in a Confederate officer's uniform, showing a caring and charitable nature toward losers.

Speaking of losers; he has pledged $1 billion to the United Nations. They have those blue helmet dudes, so they are kind of a military thing.

Oh, yeah! The helmets reminded me! He was married to Jane Fonda, and she wore a North Vietnamese Army helmet and manned an anti-aircraft gun during the Vietnam War. What's that? Wrong side? Oops. Sorry.

What else is there? Did I mention the Confederate uniform already? Right.

In conclusion, Ted Turner's life has been one of strict adherence to the principles of duty, honor, and country. These principles and his steadfast commitment to national defense made it possible for him to play a major role in winning the Cold War, far overshadowing anything that others, such as Ronald Reagan, may have done. His life is one for all soldiers, not just the French, to emulate.

(End humming.)


Blogger David said...

Bwuuha ha ha ha!

7:27 AM  

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